LIFE HOOD WITHOUT TEARS 'WHO IS A SUCCESSFUL PARENT'

We have found over the years and through extensive research that very few people dare to answer this question positively.

The African culture subtly discourages publicly counting your blessing for fear of the neighborhood witch! Besides, at what stage can you acknowledge that you have become a success?

When children are between:

0-5 years     a new parent feels she knows nothing, she has seen nothing.

5-10 years   the parent still feels she knows nothing though she is getting a bit more confident.

10-15 years          suddenly the stormy teenage years loom before the still young mother.

15-20 years still undergoing stormy teenage years.

21-25 years,         years in which suitors should appear and marriage should take place.

25-30 years child-rearing years of child, and cycle starts again for parent, and now, new grandparent.

Ultimately very few can actually acknowledge that they got it right, and teach others. Oftentimes it is acknowledged when it is too late (as grandparents or even as great grand parents) to impart the knowledge to those who need the help.

1.     What are our expectations concerning our children?

What exactly are the expectations of our generation for our children?

Most of us are no longer the first graduate in the entire village. We are not even the first graduate in the family.

When we were younger we heard stories of fathers forcing their children to be doctors and lawyers and children being miserable all their lives. Somehow we got to the point where we felt it was wrong for us to make such demands of our children and then went to the other extreme of making no demands at all, having no expectations and going “anything you want darling!”

Yet this is a generation that has probably invested the most in their children. In terms of money we probably are spending on one child what it would have cost to raise four children in our parents’ time.

Since we are investing so much more in these children they have a lot more opportunity than we ever had and therefore our investment in them should be expected to yield even greater returns than  our parents’ investment in us did.

It is only right to have expectations of our children and it is also right to make demands of them. If we have No Goals, it is obvious that we will have No Gains.

If we have been successful in our lives, all the success will have come to naught if we do not have our children to hand over the success to.

No matter how much of a free thinker one is, it is fairly obvious that every parent knows, at least vaguely in the recesses of their minds, that they want good things for their children.

If we are to be specific we can say that usually we want them to have been successful in school, with their careers, with life partners and family issues, and in life generally.

Perhaps we can summarize by saying we have moved from desiring the acquisition of doctoral degrees for our children to wanting them to be the best they can be and live happy and fulfilled lives.

2.     What are our children’s expectations for themselves?

Generally we find out that most children do not have any expectations of themselves, and this is why they are children and we are the parents.  When they do have expectations we also need to examine them and help them fine tune them into practical goals.

We must also remember that it is possible for children to have goals that are not at all practical or sensible. We must work with them in respect of this matter and help them to discover themselves and make successful lives for themselves.

3.     Have we communicated this to our children?

Since our desires are for our children’s life, it is obvious that we are not likely to succeed if we do not communicate our goals to our children.

Communication is the most important part of the execution of this goal and we must very early begin to communicate our goals to our children.

SPECIFIC GOALS FOR OUR CHILDREN

To make our goals easier to achieve we need to make a list of tangible achievements that are averagely recognized as evidence of a child having been well brought up.

Short term

In the short term till a child is finished with secondary school, usually till about sixteen we expect on the average, a good child to be all of the following:

 

·        Good at school; successfully finished secondary school.

We expect a child to be averagely good at school. For this we mean that the child should be able to get through his primary school education and get into a reasonably good secondary school. He is expected to finish secondary school with a minimum of five credits inclusive of English and Mathematics and be expected to be able to proceed to a University. In Nigeria we have a habit of arranging private tuition, ‘lesson teachers,’ as we call them, for even children in Primary school. Some are lucky to have ‘A’ students as children whilst some are not, but the level of awareness parents have to educational challenges is quite gratifying. Except where there are health challenges (and even in this area we are finding that there are special schools springing up for children with special educational needs), the average playful normal child with average parents is likely to get by educationally, and at least successfully complete secondary school. 

·        Well mannered, polite to elders.

In Nigeria, as is still in most of Africa, children are expected to be well behaved. We expect children to greet adults properly and respectfully and we usually manage to get these results.

·        Emotionally stable/ confident/ dependable.

Children are expected to be fairly responsible. For instance we would expect an older child to have some degree of responsibility for his or her siblings. We do not understand emotional instability as a nation and therefore most parents would not understand it in their children either. A child is therefore expected to be confident and responsible by the time he has finished secondary school.

 

·        Well (and neatly) dressed.

This is an area where whilst the children are young we can usually with the help of good nannies have our hearts’ desires. The struggle to maintain this position commences when the children become teenagers and begin to exhibit their own identities. Nonetheless, with consistent monitoring we can still achieve decently turned out children. 

We also expect our children to be neat and tidy in their rooms and with their personal effects.

Medium term to long term

·        Morally upright. In other words, not a 419, honest, and of high integrity.

Despite the amount of corruption in the country, no one wants a dishonest child. As Africans, if an adult is immoral or corrupt we report him to his parents or his family. In fact the African saying is that a good name is better than riches. The average African looks down on families that made their money through corruption. We therefore desire children that have become adults that are morally upright. 

·        Caring, showing care and compassion to family

Another joy of the African parent is to show off a caring child! The height of success is to have your children care for you, not necessarily with material goods but with love and attention. When as Africans we celebrate birthdays and major achievements, the joy of the parent is to present their caring children to the world.

    

·        Easily re-integrated/ well adjusted to societal norms.

We want children that are socially and culturally well adjusted, which means that regardless of the number of years the children may have spent away either in a local or international school of higher education, acquiring an education, we expect them to adjust to the society when they return and to both socially and culturally take their place in our families.

Long term

·        Successfully catering for family with a job/ hardworking.

The pride of an African parent is to have educated the child and now have him working and catering for his own family with a good job!

Happily and monogamously married

It is amazing that even notoriously polygamous African fathers teach their children to avoid the pitfalls of polygamy and settle down with one wife. When for any reason a modern man takes on a second wife the blame is usually placed firmly at the first wife’s door, in other words somehow or the other she pushed him out! Bottom line, we expect our children to be happily and monogamously married. This of course also means that we do not understand the concept of gay couples or same sex marriages. I personally am aware of one or two gay Nigerian men but they are either living in Europe, far from the prying eyes of their African families, or they are very much in the closet in Nigeria. I know for certain that no parent will showcase a gay son as a successful child in the Nigeria of today.

  

·        Having children

Much as we acknowledge that children are a gift from God, every parent wants grandchildren without remembering that it is not completely up to their children. We are however now getting to the happy place of adopting children so, hopefully, every parent’s dream of being a grandparent will eventually come true. 

As you can see, achieving all of these goals in the life of our children will take an average of at least twenty five to thirty years. Little wonder very few people ever acknowledge that they have been successful parents. It is also important to note that several factors these days militate against all our dreams coming true. For instance, there appears to be a dearth of marriageable men, which means our young princesses do not automatically find their Prince Charming’s and live happily after ever.

Closely related to that, the economy has also greatly affected job opportunities so our young men and women do not get jobs that will enable them to care for themselves so easily. Ultimately these are all delays in the fulfilment of our dreams.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I believe we have every right to expect a lot of our children, especially taking into consideration the amount of resources in terms of time, money, and love that we have invested in them, and the amount of potential they have. If you have not made your list of expectations, do so now, work at it and expect the best.

As we work at our list though, it is important to acknowledge that parenting is more of a journey, than a task with a completion date. 

We must therefore be wise and ensure that we enjoy the children whilst on this lifelong journey.