WHO ARE OUR CHILDREN? PARENTING LIFE HOOD.

MOST FREQUENTLY RAISED CHALLENGES/ ISSUES

Whilst acknowledging that some achievements are evidence of ‘good’ children, some traits are evidence of ‘bad’ children.

In the 1940’s top offences in state schools in America were mostly: running in hallways, chewing gum, wearing improper clothing (including leaving out your shirttail), making noise, not putting paper in the waste basket, etc.

From the onset of the new millennium top offences included murder, rape, robbery, assault, personal theft, burglary, drug abuse, arson, bombings, alcohol abuse, carrying weapons, absenteeism, vandalism and extortion.

We may think that is America.

In Nigeria the list would look something like this - robbery, rape, abortion, cultism, homosexuality, theft, exam malpractice, impersonation, fraud, cheating, substance abuse, carrying weapons (knives), absenteeism, vandalism, extortion, etc.

Some offences lead to major problems, for example, substance abuse can lead to psychological imbalance. The greatest problems from sexual immorality used to be pregnancy, gonorrhea and syphilis. Now it is AIDS.

The sad truth is that we do not have social support systems in place in Nigeria to support or help people that have these problems.

We have, at best, elders and family support, and counselling teams that are usually church- related and sporadically & informally run.

As sophisticated as we may appear to be, psychological imbalance in Nigeria is seen as “madness,” the person is written off and the family stigmatized.  A visit to a psychiatric hospital must be conducted in utmost secrecy as once such news gets out the family profile is permanently damaged.

In Nigeria, the simple truth is that ‘weirdos’ are not tolerated. Ian Huntley, the man who killed two ten year – old children, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman in England in August 2002, was known to be ‘odd’, and yet he continued in his job till it manifested into murder.

The Nigeria system would not have provided a second identity for Ian’s girlfriend, Maxine Carr, who assisted him in his dastardly acts. She would have been written off for life.

The adage for the rest of the world is ‘prevention is better than cure’. In Nigeria, there is usually no cure for some of the social ills that children could get afflicted with. Therefore, we could say matter of factly, that ‘prevention is the only cure.’

It is so very important that we get things right with our children in Nigeria, remembering who we are. Our African culture does not allow second chances so it is so very important than we get things right the first time.

More than ever before therefore, it is important that our children turn out right and are not stigmatized by the society before they fully mature.

The African rumor mill is strong, effective, vicious, and unforgiving! Many a young girl never got married because rumors of promiscuity had been spread about her. All serious suitors were thereafter confronted with the ‘information’ without the girl having a chance to defend herself or prove that she had truly repented.

We noted earlier that we are an evolving group of parents. In the same way, our children are also evolving.

They are under the influence of the internet and (international) cable television. They have less of an African indoctrination than we had since we have not faithfully imparted our culture, so the children owe the African continent very little allegiance, if any. They actually conclude their secondary school education with every intention of crossing international borders and blending with the rest of the world. They are particularly drawn by the allure of black musicians, especially from the United States of America. The American accent, the walk and the fashion of the stars all spring at them from the television screen and they love it! The sad thing about this is that the musicians and film stars that our kids view as role models do not have the same backgrounds neither do they have the same values that we are trying to inculcate in them. The foreign musicians live in countries that provide social welfare packages and ensure that kids can go to school free. With a few exceptions, most of the black artists nonetheless drop out of school and finally manage to get out of their ghettos and ‘projects’ by employing their talents.

We, on the other hand, live in a country that has no social support packages but we are ready to spend our last penny educating our children to the highest levels possible.

We therefore have an uphill task of explaining to them that our values and goals are completely different and we have an even bigger task of explaining why they can take some of the fashion and some of the walk and the talk but not all of it.

Having laid this foundation, common areas where our children fail have been identified as follows;

LOW OUTPUT AT WORK, SCHOOL AND HOME.

THE LESS THAN AVERAGE STUDENT

Except the child suffers from health issues that affect his or her academic output in school, this problem is one that can be easily corrected. As mentioned earlier, we live in a country where labor is cheap and therefore we have access to private tutors, (lesson teachers) who can assist children with their school work. Once this problem has been identified, and parents have enough time to monitor the child and work with the school, the problem can be solved.

When it is not corrected in time however, usually due to the influence of doting mothers, it becomes a bigger problem because the low output continues through life, and the young person becomes a less than average worker and provider.

TANTRUMS AND TEMPER OUTBURSTS

Africans do not look kindly on children throwing tantrums in public places such as shops and churches and certainly not when they are over a certain age. Firm discipline is still a quality of most African families. Caning and spanking are still accepted as a normal means of correcting children and therefore our children usually quickly learn to ‘behave’. I still am regularly upset and embarrassed when in first world countries I see children that are under six or seven throwing tantrums and generally being uncontrollable, unmanageable, oftentimes to the complete consternation of their parents. Some of the parliaments of these countries have passed laws allowing only minimal punishment, often to the detriment of such countries.

BULLYING AND ROUGHNESS

Bullying is a problem that one expects a child to have outgrown by adolescence. However, when not properly tackled, it manifests still in adulthood and I would like to surmise that a lot of dictator leaders that Africa is so full of started off in this manner. We also often wonder how some husbands become abusive and violent and, again, we need to correct those traits when we notice them in our children

GENERAL UNTIDINESS (ROOM, SCHOOL BAGS ETC), BAD PERSONAL HYGIENE, BAD HOUSEKEEPING SKILLS.

Rough, dirty children are a disgrace to any parent and when such children are teenagers it is even more disgraceful. One should not imagine that those problems will suddenly disappear when they become grown men and women and they should therefore be addressed early enough.

LOW INTEGRITY, STEALING, LYING, CHEATING, DECEIT

Despite the height of corruption in the country, we still look down on thieves, people in the society who have corruptly enriched themselves, fraudsters and those who lie and cheat.

Children who display these traits are automatically labelled and even the parents are looked upon with disdain for having raised such children.

IMMORALITY, HOMOSEXUALITY, LESBIANISM

Immorality is usually a problem associated with females, maybe because the assumption is that men should not say no to the gift of a free woman. Men had better begin to learn to say no, though the likelihood of more women competing for fewer men continues to stare us in the face.

Some men are even referred to as womanizers, in the same manner that someone would be termed a lover of football. The simple truth is that years of sowing wild oats as they say, or childhood spent chasing everything that walked by in a skirt can certainly not be training for a marriage of faithfulness to one partner!

Our conservatism in Nigeria fortunately, does not allow for open displays of homosexuality and lesbianism, although it does seem that they are struggling to come out of the closet into the open.

Our society still looks down on immorality and it is important that young girls who are feed their vanity by saying ‘yes’ to every boy learns to understand that society will not forget the history they create for themselves.

  

SMOKING, DRINKS, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DRUGS

From cigarette smoking, to the drinking of alcohol, to the taking of hard drugs, no parent needs be told that there can be excesses in this area that may actually lead to serious ailments. It therefore seems difficult to advice that you tell a child; you can smoke but only a little and drink but only so much. Aside from the moral aspect of these matters, the health issues are serious, and more importantly the social problems it has brought upon families that have these issues are worth serious thought and counseling. As aforesaid, Nigeria hardly gives second chances. There is no coming back and seldom rehabilitation for a drug addict!

  

INAPPROPRIATE DRESS SENSE, BODY PIERCING, TATTOO’S

We may appear sophisticated but we are still extremely conservative in thought and action. On the other hand our children have been exposed to all sorts of foreign cultures all their lives. Therefore when the influences find expression, all sorts of things appear. Good job offers have been lost because of an earring in the ear of the young and seemingly intelligent applicant. A tattoo on the arm of a prospective job seeker will certainly not get him a job as a lawyer; neither will dread locks get him a job as a doctor. Whether we like it or not appearances matter and we cannot expect our children not to reap the consequences of their appearance. I emphatically state to my children, no permanent body fads, so that when that fashion passes you are not permanently scarred with a passing fad! As Africans, the fashion at one time was tribal marks cut boldly on the faces of children. Many years later we state, ‘that was cruel!’ Tattoos are no better in my thinking!

Needless to say, habits like the ‘sagging’ of trousers and wearing a tight mini skirt to a job interview will also not get our children into the right jobs.  Having an appropriate dress sense is important.

 BAD GIRL JANE/ ATTITUDINAL JOHN

(RUDENESS, ANGER AND REBELLION, NO COMMUNICATION)

The new fad of showing adults ‘attitude’ is totally disrespectful. Though it is a mite better than outright rudeness and sauciness, it is damaging as it may subtly escape notice and grow till it becomes engrained in adult behavior. This usually manifests amongst teenagers as a sullen, cool, appearance and a complete distaste for anything decent, formal, or regular. Much as we need to respect the individuality of these young men and women, they still have to conform to societal norms and practices. We must realize that the whole world could dissolve into absolute chaos and anarchy if everyone was allowed to do his own thing!

  

SIBLING RIVALRY

This is a situation that is very often brought on by the parents or the active imagination of the child.

Unfortunately it may be also dictated by circumstances of life itself and when this is the case it will take the wisest of parents to resolve this ugly problem.

It is important to avoid comparing children. When the circumstances of life then affect each child, there will not be any remarks lurking in the memories of the less fortunate child.

It is the duty of parents to be instrumental in building up each child’s self esteem and confidence such that the children will only appreciate the differences in their siblings and not resent it! I also suggest healthy gaps between children; as such gaps seem to remove a lot of basis for comparison. I do concede though, that such planned spacing is not always possible.

LACK OF APPRECIATION OF THE VALUE OF BELONGINGS

The amount of money we spend buying toys and gadgets for our children and then replacing them all over again, should bring home to us the reality that our children, most of the time, have no understanding of the value of money. Though this problem is also closely related to bad housekeeping skills, our children need to appreciate the fact that everything they have costs money that their parents have, presumably worked hard for, and therefore has to be treated with care. Carelessness can be forgiven when a pencil is lost but when a mobile phone, text books, school uniforms or even laptops are handled without an understanding of their value, this becomes a cause for concern.

It is pertinent to mention that, no matter how bad the signs may be a child can still change. Indeed tales of bad children that have become pillars of society abound. Therefore, irrespective of how many of these signs one recognizes in ones child or how early or late one does see the signs, the good news is that a good parent knows something can be done about it. The converse is that sometimes the signs are not so obvious and yet children turn out bad.   

Our plan is to catch the symptoms early and turn the situations around. Our desire is to raise balanced children that grow up to give back their best to society and then, themselves raise balanced children. Our prayer is to be able to acknowledge sooner, rather than later, that we are successful parents!

Quotable quotes

What parents do in moderation children will do in excess.

CASE STUDY

KNOW WHO YOU ARE vs. LAME DUCK

A new teacher, Mr. Get It Right, arrived in our school. He came from Igbo Irumole High school very highly recommended. He has a first degree in Mathematics and a Masters degree in Applied Mathematics. In his former school, corporal punishment was permitted. He was told when appointed that the British Curriculum was followed and that only nominal punishment could be carried out by the authorities at our school.

On arrival he settled down quickly and adhered to the rules as best as he could. He was however yet to meet President Amin’s daughter.

She came into his Mathematics class with her long hair swinging, (hair ‘attachment’ of course), late as usual. The whole class knows she comes to class late but Mr. Get It Right does not know that.

Mr. Get It Right informs her that ‘no one to my class 20 minutes late and if you do, you either stand in all my classes for the rest of the month or you leave my class’. ‘Baby’ (that’s her name) replies, “did you say your class? My father donated this classroom block as a millennium present to the school. Check out whose class it really is”.

‘I don’t care who your father is, you must leave now’ replied Mr. Get It Right. Baby answers, “this guy is playing with fire” and flounces out of the class.

The next morning, a long motorcade with sirens wailing arrives at the school and the first Lady steps out, locates Mr. Get It Right and gives him the full length of her tongue.

In conclusion she informs Mr. Get It Right that her daughter ‘knows who she is, knows her place and is no Lame duck’. She orders her daughter back to the class and asks her to sit down.

1.     What had first Lady trained her children to become?

2.     Did the teacher do anything wrong? If so, how should the parent handle it?

3.     What should the school do?

4.     What do you think the future of “Baby’s” Math lessons will be?