SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES on parenting 'DIVORCED PARENTS, AND WARRING PARENTS'

This is not a book on marriage nor will we spend any time sermonizing on this issue. However while there is need to state that it is best for both parties to raise their children, I do recognize that the ideal is often not the case. Therefore mention must be made of cases where parents are raising kids alone rather than together.

  

Marriages in most African countries, including Nigeria are concluded between not only between the boy and girl but between families. They are usually therefore quite difficult to terminate as the families often intervene to help resolve the differences between the couple. The downside of this is that by the time the marriage is actually over, there would have been so much acrimony, blame placing and name calling between both families, that there is now substantial bitterness between both the families, and the husband and wife. Consequently, it is most unlikely that the children would be unscathed or unscarred by the battles.

It is important that the war wounds be carefully tended so that they elicit positive reactions in the lives of the children. I have met male children of divorced homes who have said, ‘I will never have a divorced home’. In this instance, his parent’s divorce has resulted in a situation where the man is fully committed to making his marriage work, and it has indeed worked. On the other hand several boys have come out of bad marriages with the conclusion that marriage does not work, and have gone into their own marriages with no desire for commitment and have therefore exited quickly and casually. As unreasonable as the other party may be, it should be emphasized that the children should be carefully managed both during the conflicts preceding the marriage break-up and after the divorce.

There is often a tendency to run down the other party in the marriage. Neither party should be made a villain by the opposite side. Lifelong damage could be wrought by this tactic that may affect the child’s own home in future. There is time enough for the children to make their own judgments when they are adults, but as children all they need to understand in response to the proverbial ‘why’ question is that even best friends’ sometime quarrel and part. 

Children should be shielded as much as possible from marital violence. The effects could be that boys would tend to grow up believing that it is okay to beat their wives, whilst girls may be waiting to be beaten up!

Rules and discipline

You would need to explain special parenting circumstances to a child. For instance, if you are a single parent, you need to explain that this may make you stricter than other mothers or fathers, as you have to combine both roles.

The remaining parent must be firmer than ever with rules and discipline, Mother and father roles have to be played by the same person and this must be done lovingly and firmly.

Communication

More than ever before, communication is imperative in these circumstances. The reasons why things are done in any particular way need to be explained to the child even more, to avoid the child growing up rebellious and resentful.

Involvement of the extended family

Where the father cannot be contacted or refuses to be involved in the life of the estranged family, as is often the case, the wife should make attempts to maintain good relations with at least one member of the husband’s family, who may be consulted where major decisions are to be made. This ‘father figure’ may or may not be a man. In Africa all the members of the husband’s family are seen as ‘fathers’.

 

Involvement of Step Parents

Where parents remarry, discipline should as much as possible continue to be handled by the biological parent, to avoid rebellion and resentment of someone who may already have been seen as an outsider.

WIDOWED PARENTS

Rules and Discipline

Rules and discipline should be effected in a manner similar to that of the divorced parents. One party to the marriage is now very clearly alone and has to play the dual role of mother and father.

Involvement of the extended family

As aforesaid, in Nigeria the family has a large part to play in marriages. It continues to play this part in the raising of children, especially where the father’s side has a prominent role to play.

I would like to suggest that as much as possible, the widow or widower maintains a cordial relationship with the dead spouse’s family so that the children remain exposed to both their mother and father’s influences (albeit indirectly for one of the parents) in the course of their upbringing. A widow or widower may need to explain to his or her children that uncles, aunts or grand parents could have a greater influence over them than they would have had if their mother or father were alive and that, whilst other people have just one father or mother they have an entire family as father or mother and, therefore, a lot more people to obey.

SINGLE PARENTS

Where for some reason a parent, usually a mother in this case, is bringing up children completely alone and there has never been an evident father, or father’s family side, it is imperative that she informally adopts a father figure for her children. This may be an uncle or cousin, or someone that can regularly talk with the child and give a man’s perspective to issues. If the mother’s love life is unstable, it is important that the child is shielded from her mother’s different boyfriends as different father figures could further destabilize the child.